Please Pass the Party Favors

The Christmas season is ironic to me. 

How we have tendencies to gain the most weight than any other time of year, yet at the same time need to look our best for those seasonal soirees. A time to reconnect with our families; however, in the process, realize their dysfunction. The more gifts we buy, the more we grapple with how little money we really have to spend. But, what's Christmas without presents? How would I know...

The biggest irony of all seems to lie on my chest. Two luscious lipids just waiting to adorn themselves in the holiday fashion's finest. And within this refined showcase of classical skimpiness, therein rests the irony of a big breasted girl with an invite to a Robert Goulet themed Christmas party. 

I took the twins tied in a brown and off-white patterned wrap dress. Amazingly, I still fit in the thing; it's lasted me since sophomore year when I first donned it at the Homecoming dance in Dallas. Even then, I had to pin the chest together so it wouldn't be horribly offensive. 

Good news! We were so early for the party, we got to meet the hosts parents. My biggest fear thereafter was that this little pin, weaved strategically through the cloth and sealed with a prayer, would pop off into the sweet old mother's eye and blind her--having no clue as to where this deadly flying object came from.

Of course, the boobs would be to blame. If I had a dress that fit them as well as the rest of my body (which is of moderate curvaceous proportions), maybe there was no need to wear something low cut? Maybe I should have just dressed in theme and worn a moustache, turtleneck and blazer? The androgyny might blind-side them, but certainly not permanently disable their vision. 

I think the upstanding, Goulet-loving guests at this party enjoyed having their lives endangered at the chance of seeing some fleshy chest peer out of an unassuming wrap dress. I know I enjoyed the thrill of it all, and although deeply intoxicated by the end of the evening, managed to keep the pin there until I willingly took off the dress that has been worn on dates since I was 16. A whole lot of memories. A whole lot.